Wedding Etiquette: Bride, Bridegroom, Best Man, Bridesmaides and Pages, Ushers Duties (Part III)

THE BRIDE'S FATHER
Although traditionally the bride's mother organizes the wedding, no doubt she will be assisted in many ways by her husband, since there is a considerable amount of preparation involved and decisions to be made. Many couples may share the organization.

Duties
On the subject of dress the bride's father complies with the bridegroom. If the groom decides that the order of dress will be morning suits, then all the male attendants are required to dress in the same way, including the bride's father and the bridegroom's father.

The main duty of the bride's father is to give his daughter away on her wedding day. When she is ready to leave the house, he accompanies her to the church, then escorts her down the aisle. At the appropriate time in the service, when the minister asks who is giving the bride away, he will take his daughter's right hand and place it in the hand of the minister.

When the service is over he will join the bridegroom's mother as the wedding party proceeds to the vestry for the signing of the register. He also accompanies her out of church, then rejoins his wife.

Once the newlyweds have departed, the bride's parents need to be the next to leave the church to be ready to greet the guests at the reception.

The next duty of the bride's father is to say grace if there is no minister present. He makes a short speech after the meal. Some information on speechmaking appears towards the end of this post. The bride's father and mother are the last to leave the reception.

Expenditure
When it comes to wedding costs, it might be easier to list the items that the bride's father (or in reality, these days, the bride's parents) does not pay for, as traditionally he pays for almost everything on the occasion of his daughter's wedding. Very often nowadays, however, the groom or the groom's father will offer to contribute some part of the cost. The bride's father's main expense will probably be the reception and this is often the area where the bridegroom's father offers to share the cost.

The first bill for the bride's father may be for the engagement party. Then he will have the cost of printing invitations and order-of-service sheets, followed by the bride's dress and attendants' outfits, wedding cake, flowers for the church and reception, cars and photographer.

He will probably buy a new suit or hire morning dress, his wife will have a new outfit, and there will be many other small incidental expenses.

Older couples and those who have lived together generally pay for the wedding themselves. It would be inappropriate to expect retired parents to take on the financial responsibility.

TOASTS AND SPEECHES
Something which many dread and renders others totally dumb is speechmaking. The thought of standing up and 'saying a few words' fills many hearts with fear. If you feel that 'the speech' is a major obstacle, a copy of Wedding Speeches and Toasts by Barbara Jeffery, Wedding Speeches by Lee Jarvis or Mitch Murray's One-Liners for Weddings will prove to be a great help. Apart from guidance on writing and presenting speeches, there are specimens that you can use or adapt as your own.

Order and Content of Speeches
Toasts and speeches are generally made at the end of the wedding breakfast and it may well fall to the best man to act as toastmaster.

1. The bride's father will be called upon first. It is traditional for the . bride's father to propose the toast to the bride and groom, but if the bride's mother is a widow the toast should be made by a relative of mature years (an uncle, for example, or an old family friend). Specific content of the speech obviously depends on the relationship of the speaker to the bride, but a speech made by the bride's father will normally include the following main points:

a. how proud he and his wife are of their daughter;
b. a welcome to his new son-in-law, with perhaps the old saw about gaining a son not losing a daughter;
c. a welcome to the bridegroom's parents;
d. words of wisdom and good wishes to the newlyweds;
e. how confident he and his wife are that the couple's future together will be happy;
f. a toast to the bride and bridegroom.
2. The bridegroom will reply on behalf of his bride and himself along the following lines:
a. thanking his father-in-law for his comments;
b. thanking the bride's parents for giving him their daughter in marriage and for the wedding;
c. thanking his own parents for what they have done;
d. thanking the guests for coming and for their gifts;
e. saying how wonderful his bride is, and how fortunate he is;
f. acknowledging the invaluable help given by his best man;
g. thanking all helpers who have made the day a success;
h. expressing regret if a close family member or a close friend is unavoidably absent;
i. proposing a toast to the bridesmaids.
He may make presentations of the gifts to the attendants if he has not already done so.

3. The best man replies on behalf of the bridesmaids, expressing:
a. the thanks of the bridesmaids for the toast, adding a few complimentary remarks of his own;
b. the thanks of the bridesmaids for their presents;
c. how lucky the groom is to have won such a bride;
d. what a good chap he is anyway and it is what he deserves;
e. congratulatory wishes from a selection of telemessages and cards received;
f. the programme for the rest of the reception.

It is acceptable to group together those telemessages and cards which bear the same or similar good wishes and read the sentiment once only, adding the names of the senders.

The points given are very general ones. It is advisable for speechmakers to find out early on what aspects they will be expected to cover in their speeches, and if there are any awkward areas (e.g. family feuds, divorce or separation in the family etc.) that should be avoided.

Jokes are acceptable provided they are not 'blue' or likely to offend any guests. Aim to speak for a maximum of five minutes; you will be surprised how long five minutes can be when you are standing in front of an audience!

After the three traditional speeches other guests may wish to say a few words; perhaps the bridegroom's father and sometimes the bride. It is essential that the best man or toastmaster ascertains beforehand whether there are likely to be any other speakers so that he can call upon them before the guests relax, thinking that the speeches have finished.

The toast to the bride and groom at a bride's second marriage may still be proposed by the bride's father, but this is unusual; he is not after all giving his daughter away in marriage this time. It would more likely be proposed by a male friend. There are normally only two speeches - this one and the groom's response.

How to Say It
Once you have a draft of your speech prepared to approximately the right length, keep it with you so you can look at it from time to time, and update it as you gain any new information that you wish to include. Do not try to learn it by heart. Instead, get thoroughly familiar with it, so that you can speak it naturally, glancing at your 'script' from time to time to refresh your memory. You will need to speak a little more slowly and distinctly than normal, but never shout and, if you have a regional accent, do not try to change it.

Rehearsing in front of a mirror, taping your voice as you speak, can be very useful in boosting your self-confidence. A video of your speech will be helpful in assessing your performance and will highlight any irritating habits you are unaware of, which might annoy the guests.

Points to Remember:

• Prepare your speech well beforehand. Compile it in large writing, in dark ink, or print clearly. It is useful to highlight pauses and paragraph starts in colour so you can see these at a glance.
• Keep it short. Five minutes is maximum.
• Do not include 'blue' jokes.
• Do not refer to the honeymoon, any previous marriage or liaisons, future family or sex.
• Try not to repeat yourself or over-use the same words or phrases.
• Make sure you have your speech with you when you arrive at the reception.
• Do not drink too much before you present your speech.
• Go to the lavatory in good time before making your speech.
• Speak a little more slowly and clearly than normal, and do not forget to breathe!
• Do not deviate from your prepared speech. You could end up saying something you regret.

CHECKLIST: THE BRIDE
Preparations (*with the bridegroom; * *with the bride's mother)
Discuss with minister*
Church decorations
Music
Organist
Choir
Bells
Order of service
Fees
Confetti
Photographs in church
Video in church
Choose chief bridesmaid/matron of honor
Choose bridesmaids
Choose pages
Draw up guest list**
Arrange for wedding dress and accessories
Buy
Make
Hire

Arrange for outfits for bridesmaids and pages
Buy
Make
Hire
Book hairdressing appointment
Order wedding cake and arrange for delivery**
Order bouquets for self and bridesmaids and arrange for delivery**
Order sprays for bride's and groom's mothers, and buttonholes for bridegroom, bride's and groom's fathers, best man and ushers, and arrange for delivery**
Select and book photographer**
Order wedding cars for wedding party to church and to reception**
Write wedding present list
Choose wedding breakfast menu**
Choose wines**
Arrange press announcement**
Choose going-away outfit and luggage
Write thank-you letters for presents as they arrive
Pack for honeymoon
Attend rehearsal

On the day
Give gifts to bridesmaids
Take luggage and going-away outfit to reception

At the church
Arrive last on father's right arm and proceed up the aisle followed by bridesmaids
At chancel steps give bouquet and gloves to chief bridesmaid
Allow chief bridesmaid to lift veil
After service, with bridegroom follow minister to sign register
Leave church with bridegroom
After photographs, leave first with bridegroom for reception
At the reception
Greet guests with bridegroom after parents
With groom, cut cake
After reception, change into going-away outfit
Save flower from bouquet, and toss bouquet on leaving


CHECKLIST: THE BRIDEGROOM
Preparations (*with bride)
Arrange for registrar or clergy*
Choose best man
Choose ushers
Buy wedding ring*
Arrange and pay for wedding outfit
Buy
Hire
Plan, book and pay for honeymoon
Organize and pay for stag party
Arrange and pay for car from reception
Buy bridesmaids' gifts
Buy best man's gift
Write speech for reception

Pay for:
Flowers of bride and attendants
Buttonholes and sprays
Car for self and best man to church
Car for bride and self to reception
Choose going-away outfit and luggage
Pack for honeymoon
Attend rehearsal

On the day
Give gift to best man
Give money to best man for church fees
Take luggage and going-away outfit to reception
Take going-away car to reception

At the church
Arrive with best man at..............o'clock
Step up to altar when bride arrives
After service, with bride follow minister to sign register
Leave church with bride
After photographs, leave first with bride for reception

At the reception
Greet guests with bride after parents
Respond to toast 'The bride and groom'
give speech and propose toast to 'The bridesmaids'
With bride, cut cake
After reception, change into going-away outfit
Collect documents etc. from best man


CHECKLIST: THE BEST MAN
Preparations
Send formally written reply to invitation within three days of its receipt
Discuss wedding plans with bride, groom and chief bridesmaid
Help to choose ushers
Arrange for own outfit
Buy
Hire
Check that groom and ushers have organized their outfits
Explain duties to ushers
Write speech for reception and check with bride about specific people to be mentioned
Help to organize stag party
Check parking facilities at church and reception
Purchase wedding present and car decorations
Check groom has all necessary documents for wedding and honeymoon
Arrange for car to take groom and self to church
Note details of emergency taxi firms
Check routes to groom's home, to church and to the reception venue
Attend rehearsal

On the day
Check that bridegroom's luggage is ready
Check that bridegroom's change of clothes is ready
Arrange for going-away car to be parked at reception and keep keys
Have tickets and documents for honeymoon
Have cash for church fees
Keep wedding rings safe
Have documents for wedding
Collect buttonholes from bride's mother and take to church
Collect telemessages, cards and order-of-service sheets from bride's mother
Collect bridegroom at........o'clock and take to church

At the church
Ensure that ushers know duties
Hand order-of-service sheets to ushers
Make sure bridegroom, groom's father, self and ushers have buttonholes, and bride's and groom's mothers have sprays
Pay fees to minister
Wait on right of groom and hand over ring or rings at appropriate time
After service, with chief bridesmaid follow bride and groom to sign register
Take charge of groom's hat and gloves in church
Leave church with chief bridesmaid
Usher couple and principal parties to places for photographs
Make sure ushers have arranged transport for guests to reception
After photographs, see couple to car to take them to reception
Leave for reception with bridesmaids after bride and groom, or wait till last

At the reception
Join the end of the receiving line or take charge of guests' coats
Offer drinks to guests
Take charge of any late wedding presents
Collect and vet telemessages and cards
Guide guests to seating plan
Request silence for grace
Call on speakers if there is no toastmaster
Respond to toast of 'The bridesmaids', give speech, read telemessages and cards, give programme for rest of reception
Place luggage in car for honeymoon
Oversee decoration of the going-away car
Hand over documents, keys etc. for the honeymoon
See couple to car after reception
Take charge of groom's wedding outfit

After the wedding
Return wedding outfits of groom and self if hired

CHECKLIST: THE USHERS
Preparations
Arrange for own outfits
Buy
Hire At the church
Arrive at the church at.................o' clock
Collect order-of-service sheets from g best man
Conduct guests to their pews and hand out order-of-service sheets
Ensure guests have transport to reception

At the reception
Offer drinks to guests

After the wedding
Return outfits if hired


CHECKLIST: THE CHIEF BRIDESMAID (MATRON OF HONOR)
Preparations
Arrange for own outfit
Attend rehearsal

On the day
Help to dress the bride for the ceremony
Make sure bouquets are ready for bride and bridesmaids
Look after bridesmaids and pages

At the church
Assemble with bridesmaids and pages in church porch
Arrange bride's dress, veil and train for procession up the aisle
Take bride's bouquet and gloves at chancel steps
Lift bride's veil
After service, with best man follow bride and groom to sign register
Return bouquet and gloves to bride in vestry
Leave church with best man after bride and groom
After photographs, leave for reception with best man and other bridesmaids, after bride and groom

At the reception
Offer drinks to guests
Check that bride's going-away outfit is ready
Check that bride's luggage is ready
Help bride change into going-away clothes
See bride to car

After the wedding
Return bride's and own outfit if hired

CHECKLIST: THE BRIDE'S MOTHER
Preparations (**with bride)
Draw up guest list**
Arrange printing of invitations
Arrange printing of order-of-service cards
Send invitations
List acceptances received
Draw up final guest list
Prepare seating plan
Arrange wedding outfit
Buy
Make
Order bouquets for bride and bridesmaids and arrange for delivery* *
Order sprays for self and groom's mother, and buttonholes for bridegroom, bride's and groom's fathers, best man and ushers, and arrange for delivery* *
Arrange church decorations
Select and book photographer* *
Make arrangements for reception at.....................
Home
Hotel
Restaurant
Private hall

Make catering arrangements
Self
Professional caterers
Choose wedding breakfast menu* *
Choose wines**
Arrange for table decorations
Arrange accommodation for guests
Arrange for printed napkins
Arrange for printed place setting cards
Arrange for musicians/entertainment
Order wedding cars for wedding party to church and to reception
Order wedding cake and arrange for delivery* *
Buy wedding cake boxes
Arrange for neighbour to lock house after bride and father have left
Attend rehearsal

At the church
Arrive before the bride at........o' clock
After service, with groom's father follow bride's father and groom's mother to sign register
Leave church with groom's father
After photographs, leave for reception with husband after bridesmaids

At the reception
With bride's father, greet guests
When all guests have arrived, give signal for wedding breakfast to begin
Arrange display of gifts
Arrange changing room for bride
Arrange display of proof photographs
Take orders for photographs from family and guests

After the wedding
Send pieces of cake to relatives/friends who could not attend wedding
Give order to photographer
Collect and distribute photographs

CHECKLIST: THE BRIDE'S FATHER
Preparations
Arrange for wedding outfit Buy Hire
Write speech for reception Pay for (usually shared with wife):
Reception
Flowers to decorate church and reception
Wedding dress
Wedding cake
Photographer
Wedding cars
Press announcement.
Hairdressing
Invitations and order-of-service printing
Keep buttonhole at home when other sprays/ buttonholes taken to church
Attend rehearsal

At the church
Arrive last with bride on right arm and proceed up aisle
At appropriate moment, give bride's right hand to minister
After service, with groom's mother follow best man and chief bridesmaid to sign register
Leave church with groom's mother
After photographs, leave for reception with
wife after bridesmaids

At the reception
With bride's mother greet guests
Say grace if there is no minister present
When called by best man, give speech and propose toast to bride and groom
Wait until all guests have departed before leaving the reception

Wedding Etiquette: Bride, Bridegroom, Best Man, Bridesmaides and Pages, Ushers Duties (Part I)

In this post we look at the duties of the principal players at a traditional English wedding. We have based the timetable of events primarily on a Church of England wedding, but the duties involved still apply to a large extent on whether the wedding is in church, chapel, register office or approved premises and for many other faiths, including Roman Catholic and some Free Churches, although it cannot be applied to foreign nationals marrying in this country or to weddings of members of the Jewish and Quaker faiths.

The marriage ceremony occurs continuously around the country throughout the year. Naturally it becomes more popular during the summer months, especially June, which is named after the goddess Juno, the adored and faithful wife of Jupiter, who is the protector of women and marriage. Juno is said to bestow special blessings on those who wed in her month:

Married in the month of roses - June Life will be one long honeymoon.
Guests who attend weddings, turning up on the wedding day in their best outfits and bearing gifts, have little occasion to think of the preparations that have been under way for many months, and the role of the principal players who will ensure that everything goes smoothly.

There are just half a dozen of these principal players, all playing their part, large or small, and invariably everybody goes away saying what a grand day it was, and didn't the bride look lovely.

The bride is, of course, the undoubted star. It is her day. She is going to be the centre of attention for the entire day; even the groom has a secondary role, and the other players form a supporting cast.

THE BRIDE
Every bride wants to look her best on her wedding day, when she will be the centre of attention for the bridegroom and all the guests, and the feature of wedding photographs and videos.

Duties
Invariably the bride's main concern will be her wedding dress, but there are many other things that she and her mother will need to organise before the big day such as: appointing attendants (chief bridesmaid, bridesmaids and page boys); compiling the guest list; drawing up the guest/gift list and writing thank-you letters; arranging press announcements; compiling a budget; booking the ceremony and reception; ordering the cake; booking the photographer and/or video maker team; booking transport; booking the florist; arranging the 'hen night'.

The bride's main function on this, her special day, is to look beautiful. She will have the assistance of her mother and the chief bridesmaid when she is getting ready. Then, with her father or whoever is giving her away, she leaves for the church, making sure that she does not arrive early.

At the church entrance the chief bridesmaid will arrange the bride's dress, veil and train. The bride then takes her father's right arm and proceeds slowly down the aisle to where the bridegroom and best man are waiting. She then hands her bouquet to the chief bridesmaid so her hands are free for the ring to be put on. At the end of the marriage service, the bride accompanies the groom in the procession to the vestry to sign the register. The bride and groom then lead the procession out of church with the bride on the left arm of her husband.

After the photographs have been taken outside the church, the bride and groom are the first to leave for the reception, where they will shortly be joined by the bride's parents and the groom's parents. Together they form a welcoming line for the arriving guests.

At the end of the meal come the toasts and speeches, and though the bridegroom speaks on behalf of his bride and himself, the bride may wish to say a few words of her own.

At some time the bride throws her bouquet to the waiting bridesmaids, the tradition being that the one who catches it will be the next to marry. Sometimes, of course, the eager, outstretched hands belong to some of the young, unmarried guests! The moment for this ritual is either when the bride is going upstairs to change into her going-away outfit or when she is getting into the car, ready to leave in a shower of confetti.

Expenditure
Traditionally the bride's family pays for the reception; the bride's dress and attendants' outfits; transport for the bride, her father, her mother and the bridesmaids to the church, and for the bride's father and mother and bridesmaids to the reception; flowers for the church and reception; stationery; gift to the groom; hen night.

Families nowadays are more likely to make alternative financial arrangements for some of the major expenses, so although traditionally the bride's father pays for her wedding dress, she may decide that she will pay for her own dress or alternatively for the bridesmaids' dresses.

THE BRIDEGROOM
As mentioned earlier, the bridegroom has only a supporting role on the day. If his earlier decision in the choice of best man was a good one, then he will have saved himself some anxious moments on the day, as a good best man can do a great deal to help the groom throughout the day.

Duties
The groom will liaise with the bride and her mother on most issues concerning the wedding arrangements. He is directly responsible for obtaining the necessary legal documentation by applying to the minister or registrar; choosing and advising his best man; organising outfits for the principal men; organizing the honeymoon; acquiring a wedding ring; organising transport to and from the church and transport from the reception in liaison with his best man; paying for flowers for the bride and attendants, for the buttonholes and sprays; preparing and delivering a speech.

Before the wedding day the groom will decide, probably with the help of his bride-to-be, what the male dress will be. If his choice is morning suit, then the best man, ushers and fathers of the bride and groom will be required to follow suit.

As the wedding draws near many of the groom's male friends and colleagues will be keen to know when and where the stag party will be held. It is advisable, for everybody's sake - and especially the groom's - to have the celebration at least two days before the wedding, so that any after-effects have time to wear off!

The groom will have the best man in attendance on the morning of the wedding, lending him moral support and making sure he gets to the church about 20 minutes before the ceremony is due to start. Before they set off for the church the groom can give the best man the wedding ring and the wedding documents. He may also want the best man to look after other items such as tickets and passports and possibly car keys. If the bride and groom are changing into going-away clothes at the reception, the groom should have these ready to give to the best man.

Having arrived early at the church, the groom now has to endure a waiting and wondering period until the bride's arrival. After the service he accompanies the bride in the procession to the vestry to sign the register. The couple then lead the procession out of church with the bride on the left arm of her husband.

After the photographs have been taken outside the church, the bride and groom are the first to leave for the reception, where they will shortly be joined by the bride's parents and the groom's parents. Together they form a welcoming line for the arriving guests. The recognized order is:
the bride's mother and father the groom's mother and father the bride and groom The bridegroom will be called upon to reply to the toast made by the bride's father and will speak on behalf of his bride and himself. Some information on the subject of speeches will be found towards the end of this post.

Expenditure
The bridegroom's expenditure starts with the engagement ring. Today he is not expected to stand the entire cost of the stag party; everybody present pays a share. Naturally he will pay for his own outfit, whether bought or hired, and if hired he might also pay for the best man's and ushers'. He may wish to buy the best man and other attendants a small gift each as a memento of the occasion.

The bridegroom also pays church or registrar's expenses; he should hand the money to the best man on the wedding morning so he may pay the member of the clergy or verger.

Naturally the groom will pay for his bride's wedding ring and her bouquet, together with those of the bridesmaids; he will also pay for buttonholes for himself and all the principal men, and for sprays for the two mothers. He will also pay for the car to take him and the best man to the church and the car to transport him and his bride to and from the reception.
Last, but by no means least, he will pay for the honeymoon.

THE BEST MAN
In the majority of cases the best man will be either a close friend or relative of the bridegroom. His main function is to look after the groom and to lend his assistance generally to see that the big day goes without a hitch. Together, the bridegroom and best man choose the ushers, whose main role will be to show the wedding guests to their seats in the church, hand out service sheets or prayer books and help the best man make sure that everyone has transport to the reception.

Duties
The best man's main task, of course, is to get the bridegroom to the church on time, but before the wedding day itself he has several important jobs which must not be neglected. Traditionally he has to make sure that everything is in order regarding the groom's clothes, both for the wedding and his going-away clothes. The best man may be entrusted with these and have to take them to the reception if the newlyweds are leaving for their honeymoon directly from there. He may also be asked to look after the bride's suitcase. If suits are being hired it is likely that the bridegroom and best man will go to the hire shop together; if the bridegroom is in a magnanimous mood he may foot the bill for the best man's and ushers' outfits, but the best man and ushers pay for their own suits if they are not hired.

The best man's other major pre-wedding day job is to organize the stag party which, from the men's point of view, of course, is a very important event. The best man should ensure that it is not held on the eve of the wedding, just in case there are any celebratory after-effects.

On the morning of the big day, if order-of-service sheets have been printed, he has to collect them from the bride's mother and get them to the church, or perhaps delegate the job to an usher. Buttonholes for himself, the groom and the ushers could probably be collected at the same time, together with any telemessages or cards for the couple.

He then sets off for the groom's house where he will take charge of any documents, such as tickets, passports, wedding documents and, of course, the ring.

Having made sure that the groom is looking his best, the best man should get him to the church about 20 minutes before the service is due to start. During the service the best man's prime function is to produce the ring or rings at the appropriate moment. After the service he will accompany the chief bridesmaid in the procession to the vestry for the signing of the register and may be called upon to sign as a witness.

After the photographs are done, the best man has to arrange transport to the reception for all the guests. Alternatively, he may entrust this task to the ushers and accompany the bridesmaids to the reception. If the bride and groom are leaving the reception by car, the best man may have the additional task of parking the car nearby and looking after the keys.

At the reception, the best man requests silence for grace, makes a short speech, reads out a selection of telemessages and cards and tells the guests the rest of the programme for the reception. Some information on speeches will be found towards the end of this post.
If the suits were hired for the wedding the best man will no doubt have to return the bridegroom's, together with his own and possibly those of the ushers.

Expenditure
Apart from buying himself a new suit or hiring an outfit and purchasing a wedding gift for the bride and groom, the best man's expenses are relatively light. The bridegroom will provide him with the money to pay any wedding fees and any other incidental expenses.

THE BRIDESMAIDS AND PAGES
The choice of bridesmaids and pages can sometimes pose problems for the bride, not only in the number of attendants, but their respective ages. Whatever the final choice, the selection of chief bridesmaid will no doubt be decided quite early on in the proceedings. She will probably be a sister or close friend of the bride. If she is already married herself, her title is matron of honor, but her duties remain the same.