Q & A: baker at my reception hall is unable to make the wedding cake I requested

Q. The baker at my reception hall is unable to make the wedding cake I requested, shouldn't I be compensated by my caterer if my original contract stated wedding cake included? And by how much?

A. This is not good - and this is not the way to approach the wedding - but let's look at some possible legal ramifications and what it might take to have a true understanding among and between two people - and - realizing that this is NOT, repeat NOT, legal advice and that Da Wedding Guy is NOT, repeat NOT, an attorney nor represents himself as someone qualified to give legal advice. So - having attempted to cover myself and attempting to make very sure you understand that this is NOT legal advice but only a personal opinion I, personally feel the following: (see how this can evolve into something bigger than it should be) If your contract stated "wedding cake included" and that's about it, you could have little or NO recourse because the exact details of the cake were not in the agreement. If the agreement went further and spoke of the cake in some detail (i.e. size, style of cake, # to feed, Kosher or non-Kosher if appropriate, flavor, type of icing, type of decorations, number of layers, type of pedestal layout and so on) THEN you have a contract that is specific enough in nature to require compliance or (in my opinion) restitution. If you were very specific as to what you wanted and the caterer said yes you could have it - or - by the lack of denial or through apparent complacency failed to indicate that your request could not be filled - AND - you had someone with you who could honestly attest to this type of an event -- then -- even a verbal agreement can be considered as legal and binding as a written contract, given the proper conditions are met and can be substantiated. Now - think about this - how big was the cake supposed to be - how much would it cost you to have it made somewhere else - and (perhaps most importantly) how much hassle do you want to have for how much money you will save??? Consider asking the caterer (ask again if you have already brought this up) to do some equitable and fair thing and (if perhaps the understanding of the details to what was expected in a cake was not exactly the same by both parties) - then perhaps, "sharing the cost" of getting the "right" cake - and/or perhaps include a groom's cake and you get the cake you want - so on, and so forth, and the beat goes on... If everything lends itself to "in good faith" you told him all things necessary to make your cake the way you wanted it - and - it is in writing or spoken with a friendly and viable witness present or simply admitted to by the caterer - AND - you were given no notice of, and/or cause to believe this would not be carried out as you had SPECIFICALLY thought was agreed to - then - if the cake is worth your time, and I mean REAL time, speak with an attorney. You might find that not referring the caterer and telling your story to others would do more good. The point is - this is your wedding - a very special and happy time (though few girls REALLY know just how hectic and frantic this can all be) - do what you have to do - BUT - don't get carried away - if it's messed up FIX IT - and worry about the rest later - don't you DARE miss "da big pictcha" and let this junk rule the day when you and your finance should be ruling it.

Q & A: What type of food and drinks are appropriate for NON-ALCOHOLIC wedding reception?

Q. What type of food and drinks are appropriate for an October, Saturday 2:00, NON-ALCOHOLIC wedding reception?

A. Being in the DFW area myself I'm sure we'll come up with something GREAT - but - is it formal, semi-formal or informal? Is this a usual wedding, a western wedding, a theme wedding? Is it inside or outside - is it at the wedding location or a separate reception site - how many people - what type of people do you expect? Selecting your food requires a couple of things - 1. your likes and dislikes; 2. making your guests comfortable (psychologically) with comfortable foods; 3. doing it all in good taste. Give me some more help and we'll see what we can do.

Q & A: Can the host/hostess of the reception ask the caterer to wrap up all the leftovers?

Q. Can the host/hostess of the reception ask the caterer to wrap up all the leftovers?

A. You better believe you can!!! After all, you paid for it - it's yours and it's a very common (and a proper occurrence). Be sure to let the caterer know ahead of time that you will want to take some leftovers so he/she can have the proper contains ready for you.

Q & A: How my divorced parents should be seated at the wedding?

Q. My parents are divorced, have not spoken to each other in the last 15 years and in general do not like one another. What is your best advice as to how they should be seated at the wedding? We are catholic.

A. Your mom and current husband? (if one exists) sit on the front row right hand side with the rest of your relatives behind her in the next row or more - then your father and his current wife??? (if one exists) sits behind the rest of the family - if your dad's current wife is "no friend of the family" (meaning not appreciated or actually disliked by your mom) she sits further back in the church on your side. Let your mom help you with this - if she doesn't really care do as setout above - if she just doesn't want you dad "anywhere around" seat him alone as above - or - talk to him and see how he feels about sitting a little further back with his "current".

Q & A: Reception card states "NO GIFTS PLEASE"

Q. I have been invited to a wedding and on the reception card it stated "NO GIFTS PLEASE". I feel awkward not bringing anything. I was thinking about a donation or something like that. What is the acceptable thing to do here?

A. If the invitations state "No Gifts Please - just kidding!!" maybe you should feel awkward - BUT - let's do two things here - the "NO GIFTS PLEASE" is poor etiquette, a no-no, not done. The ONLY time it is proper to have a "no gifts please" concept on an invitation is if it states "in lieu of gifts, a donation to XXX charity would be appreciated". Now - when someone goes to the trouble to "tell you like it is" you just have to take them at their word and leave it alone - it would be in just as poor taste to offer, make a donation, or bring a gift if they has specifically asked you not too - it's like flaunting it in their faces. The acceptable thing to do is go, enjoy, congratulate, send a thanks for the invite card after the fact and, with the money you've saved buy yourself something really nice for the occasion - you deserve it for being so caring!

Entertaining Q & A: Drinks, Bar, Glassware, Hors d'oeuvres

How to calculculate how big a tent you'll need for the number of guests you'll have at a garden wedding with outdoor reception.

Allow one square metre (12 square feet) per person inside your yard and/or marquee. This figure also includes room for tables. For example, if you are having 100 guests, you will need a marquee measuring 9 x 12 metres (30 x 40 feet). Allow extra space in the marquee for the caterer to set up his serving table and/or buffet tables. There should be at least one buffet table for each 75 guests.

How to know how many drinks you'll need.

For an average cocktail party of three hours' duration, allocate an average of three drinks per person. Allow three to four drinks for a buffet or dinner of about four hours in length. For an all-evening party of about five or six hours, figure on four drinks per guest.

How many servings you'll get out of a bottle of wine, champagne or liquor, and how to calculate how many bottles of each kind of beverage you'll need for a party or wedding reception.

To calculate the number of bottles you'll need, first give your best guess as to what your guests will prefer. For instance, will most likely prefer wine or most drink hard liquor? Or do you predict an equal mix of wine drinkers hard liquor drinkers and beer drinkers along with a few non-drinkers?

Then start counting:

• The average bottle of wine (26 oz./750 mL) yields 5 servings.
• The average bottle of champagne will yield 6 flute glasses.
• A case of champagne will yield 72 servings.
• A 26 oz. (750 mL) bottle of spirits yields 17 servings of 1 1/2 oz. (45 mL) each.
• A 40 oz. (1.14 L) bottle of spirits yields 25 servings.
• Have on hand three bottles of mix for every bottle of spirits.

Before writing up your shopping list, fine tune your guesses. For instance, you might know that more of your guests prefer red wine over white, or that the majority of your older guests will predictably choose either rye or vodka.

Note: always order liquor with a generous hand. Unopened bottles can be returned in most jurisdictions.

What you'll need to set up a bar for a cocktail party.

• Allow at least 11 lbs. (5 kg) of ice cubes per 10 adults.
• For mix and as a simple refreshment, have on hand bottles of soda water, cola, ginger ale, lemon-lime soft drinks, tonic water, bitter lemon, tomato juice, clam-tomato juice or vegetable cocktail, orange juice, grapefruit juice, pineapple juice and a variety of diet soft drinks and still and bubbly waters.
• For mixing cocktails, you'll need to have on hand at least Worcestershire sauce, Tabasco sauce, salt, pepper, sugar, celery sticks and maraschino cherries. If you want to serve fancy cocktails, refer to a cocktail recipe book for a complete list of ingredients.
• For garnishes, you'll need olives, cocktail onions and sliced oranges and lemons.
• For tools, be sure to have something in which to store ice cubes close at hand (such as an ice bucket), a corkscrew, a bottle opener, a can opener, ice tongs, shot glasses for measuring servings, a small sharp knife and cutting board, a long-handled spoon for mixing drinks, cocktail napkins, toothpicks or cocktail picks and straws.
• For fancy cocktails, you'll need other tools, including a cocktail shaker. Refer to a cocktail recipe book for the correct tools needed for the desired drinks.

How to figure out how much of which kind(s) of glassware you'll need for the average cocktail party or wedding reception.

For a wedding reception, you'll have the bases covered if you have just three kinds of glasses: a multipurpose wine glass, a tall tumbler for all mixed drinks and flutes for champagne. Order at least one of each glass for every guest and a few extras, then order additional tumblers for those thirsty guest who will want nonalcoholic beverages after drinking alcoholic ones.

For a cocktail party, have on hand the above glassware types in the above proportions, and then add fancy cocktail glasses at your discretion. Consider offering one "specialty" cocktail as a focus of the evening, such as margaritas or martinis. This simplifies your hosting tasks immensely. If you want to offer a complete range of cocktails, seriously consider hiring a professional bartender.

How to calculate how much and what kinds of wine you'll need to throw a wine-tasting party.

This is a good occasion to seek the advice of a professional wine merchant. You'll want to treat your guests to an intriguing taste experience. A pro can not only offer you a well-balanced selection of choices, but point out wines that are making news and are appropriate for the season. He/she will also be able to suggest foods to serve with the wines. In general, for a party of eight guests or more, start with a selection of five wines: two reds, two whites and one dessert wine. Display the white wines in ice buckets. Pour each red into its own decanter, if possible, to lend a little mystery to the wines, as well as to enhance their flavors and aromas. The average bottle of wine (26 oz./750 mL) yields 5 servings.

How to calculate how many hors d'oeuvres per guest.

Determining how many hors d'oeuvres you'll need depends on what kind of hors d'oeuvres you want to serve and the anticipated duration of the party. Serving a good variety of choices is always more appealing for guests. If you are planning a two-hour cocktail party, consider about eight different choices. Then allocate three pieces of each type for each guest. If your hors d'oeuvres are pretty substantial, you can consider reducing the portion per guest to two pieces of each kind.

How to plan how long a cocktail party should be.

Cocktail parties are a good option when you want to entertain guests just prior to another event (such as a sports or theatrical event), or when you want to celebrate informally for a limited period of time (for example, when announcing your engagement to a small gathering on a weeknight, perhaps followed by dinner at a restaurant). The average cocktail party lasts between two and three hours. Any cocktail party longer than that dictates your serving something more substantial than appetizers later in the evening. If your invitation is open-ended, with no stated finishing time, then guests will expect dinner or an equivalent kind of meal. If the party is slated for a weeknight, the starting time should be calculated to allow enough time for guests to leave work and travel to your party.

Recently, more couples have been considering an elegant cocktail party for their wedding reception instead of the traditional dinner-dance, in order to have the maximum amount of time to mingle with guests. This option only works if the wedding reception is informal and is scheduled in the middle of the afternoon, when it is too early to serve a supper and too late to serve a lunch. If guests have traveled some distance to attend the wedding and are also looking forward to spending a good portion of time celebrating, couples wanting the ambiance of a cocktail party should consider an early evening cocktail party followed by a buffet with various food stations, which allows the couple to mingle throughout the dinner hour as well.

When to call back guests who haven't yet responded to your R.S.V.P.

It is perfectly correct to call guests who haven't responded to a wedding invitation to find out whether or not they will be attending. Start calling about two weeks before the wedding, a few days prior to your caterer's deadline (usually a week to ten days before the event) for confirming the final number of guests to be served dinner, to give yourself enough time to track down those would-be guests.

How to know how much punch to make.

A typical punch recipe incorporating one bottle of spirits and 12 cups (3 litres) of mix/juice will yield 30 servings. Allocate 1.5 servings of punch per person.

Wedding Etiquette: Ceremony and Reception

How does a bride-to-be decide who should walk her down the aisle if she is close to both her father and her stepfather?

It's her choice. It's fine to select either one, though generally better to ask the one to whom she's closest. If she's equally close to both, she might find it most diplomatic to fall back on tradition and ask her biological father to escort her.

If a bride prefers to omit the traditional phrase "Who gives this woman. . . ?" from the wedding ceremony, are there any acceptable alternatives she can request?

Yes. The officiating clergyman may say, "Who will support and bless this marriage?" or "Who represents the families in blessing this marriage?"

What are the guidelines these days for the bride who wants to wear white even if she has been married before or has a child?

Since white is considered to be a sign of joy, it is perfectly appropriate for second-time brides and those with children to wear it. But the tradition still stands that these brides not wear veils (unless required by religious custom), gowns with trains, or carry orange blossoms.

Is it written that the bride's parents have to foot the entire bill? Isn't that an unfair burden for one set of parents?


The traditional division of wedding expenses has undergone a big change in recent years, and there are now several acceptable versions. It's now considered perfectly all right -- and often makes much sense -- for the bride, the groom, and/or the groom's parents to offer to share the costs of a wedding with the bride's parents. One option gaining some popularity: the bride and groom paying all expenses themselves. No matter how, or if, the costs are divided, keep in mind that the simplest wedding is often the most beautiful.

How would one arrange church seating for a wedding where the groom's parents are divorced -- his mother is now remarried and the father is currently engaged?


The groom's mother and her new husband should sit in the front pew on the right side of the aisle. Other members of the immediate family should sit in the pew immediately behind. The groom's father and his fiancé should sit in the next pew, along with their family members.

My stepdaughter, who's been estranged from her father for the past five years (he was divorced from her mother years ago), is now asking him to pay her wedding expenses and offer his country club facilities for the reception. Yet she doesn't want him to walk her down the aisle or have any say about the guest list. Is this fair?


No. Your stepdaughter can't have it both ways. If her father is willing to pay expenses, he becomes the wedding host and has a say about the guest list. However, if his daughter feels more comfortable walking down the aisle alone or with her mother, that's her choice.

My fiancé expects to be involved in all aspects of our wedding, but my mom doesn't think it's proper. What do you say?


Tell your mother your fiancé is right in line with the growing trend of today's grooms being actively involved in their weddings. Many men are having their say in everything from choosing items for the gift registry to selecting music or readings for the ceremony; some even attend wedding fashion shows and are honored at "couples showers."

There are several reasons why: Grooms these days are apt to be older and better established and so may be paying some or most of the expenses. Divorce can be a factor too: A man marrying for a second or third time tends to know what he wants; also, if his children are participating in the ceremony (often the case), then he's more interested in what's going on.
What I'm hearing from women is that they love having their fiancés involved. Certainly, there are more than enough duties to share — including writing all those thank-you notes!

I've been invited to my friends' renewal of wedding vows, which will be followed by a small gathering at a restaurant. Do I bring a gift? If so, do you have any suggestions about what's appropriate?

A reaffirmation of vows almost always coincides with the couple's anniversary, so, yes, take a gift to your friends' gathering (unless the invitation specifically states "no gifts"). If they're celebrating a milestone anniversary, you might select an item made of the material associated with that year (e.g., silver or pewter for a twenty-fifth). Other suggestions: an item for their home or hobby, such as a picture frame, a special book, a bottle of champagne, or bulbs or tools for their garden.

Are the bride's parents expected to pay most of the wedding costs if the engaged couple have already lived together for two years?

When a couple have lived together for any length of time (certainly for as long as two years), they're usually expected to pay some or all of their own wedding expenses. Of course, the bride's (or groom's) parents may pay or help pay if they wish.