Wedding Etiquette: Marriage Ceremony (Part II)

ROMAN CATHOLIC WEDDINGS
As with all marriages outside the Church of England, the couple must give notice of their intention to marry to the local Superintendent Registrar (or registrars if they live in different districts). Often the priest or one of his parishioners will be authorized to register the marriage, in which case the registrar is not required to be present at the wedding.

The marriage ceremony may be conducted during Mass (called a Nuptial Mass) or outside Mass, usually when one of the couple is not a Roman Catholic. However, the rite of marriage is the same in either case.

The priest first addresses the bride and bridegroom on the significance of marriage within the Church: it is regarded as a sacrament which will 'enrich and strengthen' them so that the union will be one of 'mutual and lasting fidelity'.

The couple have to declare no lawful impediment to marriage; they promise to be faithful to each other and to accept that they bring up children within the Roman Catholic faith. The priest invites them to declare their consent to marry 'according to the rite of our Holy Mother the Church', to which each replies 'I will'.

Right hands joined, the couple then call upon the congregation to witness the marriage, and make their vows: 'to have and to hold from this day forward ... till death do us part'.

The priest confirms them in marriage and the rings are blessed and exchanged - or only one may be given - using the following words:

'I (Christian name only) take this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity. In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.'

JEWISH WEDDINGS
When Jewish people marry, they are required to give notice to the registrar, but the marriage may be solemnized in a synagogue or private house. When a synagogue or house is used, the secretary of the synagogue to which the man belongs must take down the necessary particulars.

The ceremony, when held in a synagogue, varies in the form it takes. The bride and bridegroom stand under a canopy - a chuppah - which is a reminder of the time when the Israelites were forced to live in tents. The couple's parents join in the ceremony by standing under the canopy with them and supporting them. Behind are their relations and friends. The best man stands behind and to the left of the bridegroom.

The rabbi delivers a short address to the couple. Then the bridegroom turns to the bride, who stands to his right, and before placing the ring on her finger, says, 'Behold, thou art consecrated unto me by this ring, according to the law of Moses and of Israel.' The bride should wear no other rings or jewellery, not even her engagement ring.

The next step is the reading and signing of the Hebrew marriage contract. The man promises to be a true and faithful husband, and to protect, support, love, honor and cherish his bride. She promises to be true and faithful and to love, honor and cherish him.

Following the vows, the Seven Benedictions are recited and the couple drink wine, twice from the same vessel; then the bridegroom dashes the glass to the ground. Drinking the wine reminds the couple that they are required to share each other's pleasures and halve each other's troubles. The broken glass symbolizes the weakness of marriage without love.

Before the ceremony is concluded, the following covenant is signed:
'On the ... day of the week, the ... day of the month of... in the year ... corresponding to the ... of... the holy covenant of marriage was entered into, in between the bridegroom, and his bride, ...

'The said bridegroom made the following declaration to his bride: "Be thou my wife according to the Law of Moses and of Israel. I faithfully promise that I will be a true husband unto thee. I will honor and cherish thee; I will work for thee; I will protect and support thee; and will provide all that is necessary for thy due sustenance, even as it beseemeth a Jewish husband to do. I also take upon myself all such further obligations for thy maintenance during thy lifetime as are prescribed by our religious statutes".

'And the said bride plighted her troth unto him, in affection and with sincerity,, and has thus taken upon herself the fulfillment of all the duties incumbent upon a Jewish wife.
'This covenant of marriage was duly executed and witnessed this day according to the usage of Israel'.

QUAKER WEDDINGS
When a Society of Friends wedding is to take place, the arrangements come under the care of the Society's registering officer for the area concerned.

It should be noted that besides giving notice to the registering officer, notice must also be given to the local Superintendent Registrar in the usual way.

The Society's registering officer will ensure that the Quaker regulations are followed and that, if they are satisfactorily completed, the meeting for worship to solemnise the marriage is duly approved.

At the ceremony, the usual custom is for the bride and bridegroom to sit surrounded by their relations and friends, and then for the two to stand at a moment when they feel it is right. Holding hands, the man makes the following declaration:

'Friends, I take this my friend, to be my wife, promising through divine assistance, to be unto her a loving and faithful husband so long as we both on earth shall live.'

The bride makes a similar declaration. A certificate is then signed by the couple and two witnesses, stating that the couple made the necessary declarations, that they fulfilled the legal obligations and were duly married. All those present are invited to sign the certificate after the meeting is over. No ring need appear at the ceremony, but sometimes one ring is given or rings may be exchanged after the declaration.

WEDDINGS ABROAD
A fairly recent innovation is to travel abroad to get wed. There are travel companies who will arrange the whole package deal for you. The favorite destinations are some of the islands of the West Indies, the Seychelles, Mauritius and Mexico. It could be seen as traveling to your honeymoon destination first, then getting married.

Some couples may take members of their family or friends with them, but if they arrive alone the travel companies may organize a best man and bridesmaids, in addition to all the legal arrangements, hotel and travel, and 'extras' such as flowers, wedding cake, reception and video of the ceremony.

If the idea of marrying abroad appeals to you, but you would prefer to make the arrangements yourself, you should be especially careful. The problems you might encounter are numerous and will involve you in a great deal of correspondence with the various authorities.

THE RECEPTION
After the wedding ceremony comes the reception and in the case of the traditional English wedding this follows a certain pattern. It may be a very large reception with hundreds of guests or a small, informal gathering, but in either case there is a very similar pattern to the proceedings.

The first decision regarding the reception, which needs to.be made some months in advance of the wedding, is where the reception should be held: hall, hotel or house. With a large number^of guests, the choice is between hall and hotel, and m either case an. early booking will be necessary. An average size house can prob-r ably accommodate only 30 or 40 guests, but there is an attractive alternative if the house has a large garden. It is possible to hare marquees which can be set up a few days beforehand and which contain all the necessary fittings such as lights and wooden or mat flooring.

A decision about the catering arrangements will probably be made at the same time as the choice of venue is decided Naturally a reception held in a hotel will mean that the hotel will arrange everything at an inclusive charge per guest. It will also provide rooms in which the bride and groom will be able to change their clothes during the reception.

Unless some members of the family are particularly adept at catering, it is probably wise to call in specialist caterers, whether the reception is in a hall or a private house. It might seem feasible to lay on a tasty spread for 30 or so guests in a small, informal gathering at home, but with a hundred and one other things to think of on the big day, the professional touch can often-be- worth the extra cost. A booking in a local hall no doubt provides the most options: outside caterers or do-it-yourself, sit-down meal or buffet. What the hall might not have is a suitable room in which the bride and groom can change into their going-away outfits, so a suitable arrangement will need to be made.

A Formal Reception
A formal or semi-formal reception will have a receiving line to welcome the guests. This usually consists of the bride's mother and father, the bridegroom's mother and father and the bride and bridegroom themselves - in that order. This applies whether or not either set of parents is divorced. New partners are not normally included in the receiving line. The best man is not always included as he is usually the last to leave church, but if he does arrive in time he should be included after the groom.

Each guest is greeted by name or by politely asking their name. The bride and groom introduce each other to the guests when necessary or convenient. Generally it is sufficient for each guest to identify themselves to the first in the line. This is the traditional way, but today receiving lines tend to be more spontaneous and faster moving. If a large number of guests has been invited and you want to speed up proceedings, the bride and bridegroom can do the receiving on their own.

On entering, the guests are usually presented with a glass of wine or an aperitif, and when the last guest has been received everyone looks at the seating plan to find out where they are placed. The toastmaster (or best man) guides the guests to their seats. The processional order is: bride and groom, bride's father with groom's mother, bride's mother with groom's father, chief bridesmaid (with best man if he is available), bridesmaids, page boys, ushers, then guests. Sometimes seating arrangements are left to the guests to make their own choices. If there are separate bar and dining areas, early arrivals can wait comfortably in the bar until everyone is assembled.

Seating arrangements vary according to the number of guests and the layout of the tables. For a formal reception, however, there will be a 'top table' for the principal members of the wedding party and the attendants (see Checklist 6.1). Since it is an honor to sit at the top table, be careful not to hurt anyone's feelings by including a guest who is not also a member of the wedding party. An aunt who has flown in from Australia for the wedding may, however, be classed as an exception!

The bride and the two mothers usually work out how best to seat the other guests. If there are complications due to a parental divorce, seating arrangements at the top table should be discussed with all the parties concerned. Depending on how co-operative they are likely to be, there should be no problem in finding everyone a place. You will probably want to aim at some interchanging between the families, but not so much that no one knows what to say to each other.

If traditional arrangements seem inappropriate the solution may be to have a room full of separate tables: this can create a much more relaxed and successful atmosphere as long as the guests are grouped tactfully with a good mix of men and women.

If the bride's parents are divorced and she has been brought up by her mother and a stepfather, he may be asked to make the first speech and propose the main toast. However, the exact arrangements will vary according to the individual circumstances and should be discussed and agreed beforehand.

The most important thing is that personal feelings about ex-partners do not get out of hand and interfere with the success of the wedding. If the situation is handled with dignity and understanding, there is no reason why they should.

If a minister is present they must be invited to say grace and should have been approached in advance. If there is no minister present, grace may be said by the bride's father, for which the best man or toastmaster requests silence. The bride and. groom are the first to be served or to serve themselves.
After the last course is over (or alternatively, about halfway through proceedings), the cake-cutting ceremony and the toasts and speeches take place.

If there is no official toastmaster present, the best man introduces the speakers.
The first to speak is the bride's father who stands and says a few words before proposing the main toast: 'Health and happiness to the bride and bridegroom.' The bridegroom responds briefly, thanking the bride's parents and the guests, and ends by proposing a toast to the health of the bridesmaids. The best man follows by replying for the bridesmaids and reading out the congratulatory telemessages and cards. The bride may also elect to say a few words.

All the speeches should be kept short and informal. If they can be witty without being offensive, so much the better. However, a sincere approach often goes down just as well, so if you have any doubts about your abilities as a humorist, it is best to avoid jokes!

The cake should have been ordered some weeks before and delivered to the reception on the day of the wedding. Icing on a traditional wedding cake can be very thick so it will help if this is already cut through. The bride holds the knife in her right hand, with the bridegroom's right hand on hers, and her left hand on top. After the first slice has been successfully dealt with, the cake can be taken away and cut into smaller pieces for the guests to eat with their coffee. You may wish to rescue the top tier to keep for a christening. Use cake boxes to send pieces of the cake to people who could not attend the wedding.

If there is to be dancing, the bride and bridegroom will be first on to the floor, followed by the chief bridesmaid and the best man, then the parents of the bride and groom and members of the two families.

After a while spent chatting to the guests, the couple slip away to change into their going-away clothes, returning for a few minutes to say their final goodbyes before going on honeymoon. Traditionally, just before they leave, the bride tosses her bouquet to a bridesmaid or a young female guest who, tradition has it, will be the next in line for marriage.

At the end of the reception the best man collects the groom's clothes and checks that nothing has been left behind by male guests. He ensures that the wedding cards and any messages are returned to the bride's mother. The host, hostess and best man are the last to leave.

CHECKLIST: SEATING PLACES AT THE RECEPTION




Variations on the seating may be made, although the top table is usually reserved for the wedding party.. Alternating the sexes is usual. The families can be mixed

CHECKLIST: AT THE RECEPTION
As the guests arrive they should be greeted by:
The bride's mother and father
The groom's mother and father
The bride and groom
Attendants and ushers should offer drinks and chat pleasantly
The best man guides guests to the seating plan
The hostess (the bride's mother) should give the signal for the wedding breakfast to begin
If champagne is used for toasts only, it should be left until after the meal and served just before the speeches begin
The best man or toastmaster requests silence for grace
The minister or the bride's father says grace
After the meal, the best man or the toastmaster calls upon the bride's father to speak
The bride's father gives a speech and proposes the toast to 'The bride and groom'
The bridegroom responds, gives a speech and proposes a toast to 'The bridesmaids'

THE RECEPTION
The best man responds on behalf of the bridesmaids, gives a speech, reads out a selection of telemessages and cards and gives the programme for the rest of the reception
The bride and groom cut the cake
The bride and groom lead the dancing, followed by the chief bridesmaid and the best man, and the parents of the bride and groom
The best man oversees the decoration of
the going-away car, ensuring that no damage is done
The best man organises transport for the bride and groom and hands over the documents
The bride and groom change into their going-away outfits
The best man places the luggage in the going-away car
The bride and groom say their goodbyes
The bride tosses her bouquet

Wedding Etiquette: Marriage Ceremony (Part I)

Before the ceremony itself takes place, there will almost certainly be an opportunity to attend a rehearsal in the church. The minister will run through all the details of the service and explain the roles of each of the principal members of the wedding party.

It is best if the whole wedding party can attend the rehearsal, but if that is not possible it will help if the best man can be present so that he can later advise anyone who is unsure of the correct procedures.

CHURCH OF ENGLAND WEDDINGS
If you are getting married in an Anglican church, you should have already discussed with the minister whether the service is to be traditional or if it is to be conducted according to an Alternative Service Book version. The minister may have his or her own very definite opinions about this, but both ceremonies are very moving.

If the parents of either the bride or the bridegroom are divorced, a little tact and co-operation all round will help to ensure that the wedding is still a happy occasion, both for them, and for the couple about to be married.

In these circumstances the seating arrangements at the church are slightly altered. If the bride's parents are divorced, her mother will be shown to the first pew on the left-hand side of the church. She may be with her new husband, or, if she has not remarried, with a close relative. The bride's father takes his seat in the second or third pew, also with his new partner if he has remarried. The same arrangements apply to the bridegroom's parents if they are divorced.
Twenty minutes or so before a Church of England wedding is due to begin, the guests will start to arrive. The bride's family and friends are conducted to the left-hand seats of the church and the bridegroom's family and friends to those on the right. The bridegroom and the best man are seated in the front pew on the right-hand side. The bride's mother usually travels to the church with the bridesmaids, who remain in the church porch until the bride and her father arrive.
When the bride has taken her place at the church entrance, the organist will play the entrance music. At this point the congregation rises. The bride takes her father's right arm and they walk down the aisle followed by the bridesmaids. If it is a full choral service the minister may meet the bride in the porch and the procession will be led by the choir, followed by the minister, the bride and her father and the bridesmaids.

The bridegroom and the best man meet the party at the chancel steps. The bride stands on the left of the bridegroom, and her father to her left, but slightly to the rear. The best man positions himself on the right of the bridegroom and, like the father, slightly to the rear. (After the bride's father has given away his daughter, he can take his seat next to his wife in the front pew. The best man can also step to one side after he has presented the ring.)

At this point the chief bridesmaid steps forward to take the bride's bouquet or, if there are no bridesmaids, it may be handed to her father, who in turn may give it to his wife. The bouquet should be returned to the bride before she leaves the church, usually at the signing of the register.

The ceremony then begins. The minister first explains the significance of marriage according to the Scriptures. He or she then calls on the congregation - and the bride and bridegroom - to declare if there is any reason why the couple may not lawfully marry.

The minister then asks each of the couple in turn whether they promise to love, comfort, honour and forsaking all others (in the modern version) protect the other ... 'as long as you both shall live', to which they reply 'I will'.

The bridegroom takes the bride's right hand in his, and they exchange vows 'to have and to hold, from this day forward; for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish till death us do part'.

The best man gives the ring to the minister, and the bridegroom places it on the third finger of the bride's left hand, or sometimes rings are exchanged. The bridegroom then makes his promise to the bride as follows (in the modern version):

'I give you this ring
as a sign of our marriage.
With my body I honour you,
all that I am I give to you,
and all that I have I share with you,
within the love of God,
Father, Son and Holy Spirit.'

The bride responds with the same promise, beginning 'I receive this ring ...' and the minister then pronounces them man and wife. After the marriage, and before signing the register, the minister will sometimes give a short address, especially if one or both of the married couple are known to him or her.

When the service is ended, the wedding party move into the vestry to sign the register. The best man and the chief bridesmaid usually act as the two witnesses. Everyone has a chance to relax now, and one or two photographs are usually taken at the signing.

Coming out of the church, the bride takes the left arm of the bridegroom; they are followed by any small bridesmaids; the chief bridesmaid and the best man; the bride's mother and the bridegroom's father; the bridegroom's mother and the bride's father; and other bridesmaids, often escorted by the ushers. Relatives leave next, followed by special guests and then friends.

Outside, there will be a good deal of milling around as the wedding photographs are taken. Confetti (if it is permitted) will most likely be thrown when the bride and bridegroom decide it is time to leave for the reception.

PLACES DURING THE CHURCH OF ENGLAND CEREMONY



1. Minister
2. Bride
3. Bridegroom
4. Bride's father
5. Best man
6. Chief bridesmaid
7. Bridesmaids



1. Minister
2. Bride
3. Bridegroom
4. Chief bridesmaid
5. Best man
6. Bridesmaids
7. Bride's mother
8. Groom's father
9. Groom's mother
10. Bride's father

REGISTER OFFICE WEDDINGS
The reasons that couples opt for a register office wedding are various, not least of them, of course, being financial. The cost of a full-scale church wedding is now said to average more than £6,000 (at 1998 prices). No matter how that sort of cost is shared, many couples obviously feel that there is a strong case in favour of a register office wedding.

Because there are generally size limitations in a register office there will be room for only a small number of guests to accompany the couple and their two witnesses. Everybody should arrive about ten minutes before the ceremony to ensure that it starts on time, as there will probably be another wedding following shortly. The tradition of the bride arriving with her father is not always, followed; sometimes the bride and groom arrive together.

The ceremony takes about ten to 15 minutes and will be conducted by the Superintendent Registrar. The couple must state that they know of no legal impediment to marrying and will be reminded of the solemn and binding nature of the vows which they will repeat after the registrar. The ring or rings are exchanged and the relevant documents signed by the couple and the witnesses.

APPROVED PREMISES WEDDINGS
The Marriage Act 1994 changed the law in two ways; firstly, local authorities may license 'suitable premises' for the solemnisation of marriage, and secondly there is no need to live in the district in which the marriage is to take place.

It is the intention of The Marriage (Approved Premises) Regulations 1995 to allow civil marriages to take place regularly in hotels, stately homes, civic halls and similar 'suitable premises' without compromising the fundamental principles of English marriage law and maintaining the solemnity of the occasion. A private residential house is unlikely to be an appropriate building as it would not be known to the public as a marriage venue or regularly be available for use. The Regulations preclude marriages from taking place in the open air, in a marquee or any other temporary structure or in most forms of transport. A directory of registered premises in England and Wales is kept by the Marriages Section, P.O.Box 2, Southport, Merseyside, PR8 2JD (telephone 01704 569824).

Couples who choose approved premises generally have the ceremony at the reception venue, since this is much more convenient for the wedding party and guests.
The setting must not resemble a church in any way; for example, prayer books would probably not be allowed. The marriage room must be separate from any other activity on the premises and accessible to the public without charge so that they may witness the marriage and be able to make any objections. No food or drink may be sold or consumed in the marriage room for one hour before or during the ceremony.

As for a register office, the ceremony must not include any religious elements. Any reading, words, music or performance which forms part of a civil ceremony of marriage must be secular. • Many Superintendent Registrars insist on confining the ceremony to include only the legal elements, with perhaps one or two very minor additions, and conduct the proceedings in registered premises rooms in the same way as they do in register offices.

On arrival at the approved premises, the Superintendent Registrar meets the couple privately to explain the procedure. Meanwhile guests gather in the marriage room. The Superintendent Registrar, the bride and groom then enter and the ceremony takes place. After the register is signed and the ceremony is ended, the Superintendent Registrar leaves the premises.

FREE CHURCH WEDDINGS
Most of the Free Church buildings have been registered by a Superintendent of Marriages as buildings in which marriages may be solemnised. Ministers of these churches, be they United Reformed, Baptist, Methodist or other Protestant churches, are generally registered as 'authorised' persons to conduct the marriage service and to act as the registrar, which simply means keeping the marriage register. If such authorisation has not been obtained, a Superintendent Registrar or his or her deputy must be present to record the wedding, although the minister may still conduct the ceremony. Alternatively, a civil ceremony may be conducted by the Superintendent Registrar in his or her office.

The order of service is very similar to that used in the Church of England, with variations within the different denominations. After the bridal procession arrives in front of the minister, together with the bridegroom and best man, the service begins with a declaration of intent. The bride and groom in turn will say:

I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawful impediment why I.....may not be joined in matrimony to .....'

After the minister has asked the congregation if they know of any lawful objection to the marriage, the couple exchange vows and proceed with the ceremony of the ring followed by the blessing. After the service the newlyweds and two witnesses sign the register.

The question of remarriage of divorced people is very much a matter for each minister considering each case on its merits. He or she may have very strong views on the subject or may be willing to give careful consideration to the matter and agree to conduct a church service.

Q & A: What are the duties of the bridesmaids?

Q. What are the duties of the bridesmaids?

A. The term "Bridesmaid" historically refers to those maids (true maids of the household) or maidens (single girl friends) who were to help the bride in accomplishing all those tasks required of the bride prior to the wedding and at the reception. Today, the term bridesmaid refers to those best of friends and family who are there to help the bride in accomplishing all those tasks required of the bride prior to the wedding and at the reception. The more things change the more they remain the same! A bridesmaid is responsible for helping the bride with organizing and finalizing all facets of the wedding process - I say process because it can start as early as when the bride asks you to be a bridesmaid and will continue strait through the reception and, on occasion through the day-after wedding brunch (though these events are becoming more and more rare). Help with planning the wedding? Help with finding the right professionals and vendors? Help in getting the invitations out? Get the idea? - This entire process is so overwhelming that many, many, many brides say "if they knew them what they know now..." and only 1 bride in 100 says she had enough help getting through this entire process!!! Beyond the help you can provide, the bridesmaids general host the shower or showers for the bride - pay for their own dresses - act as assistant wedding coordinator (unless one exists) acts as social secretary at the reception and picks up the bits and pieces all along the way. Other than that, the bridesmaids don't have much at all to do other than stand around and be pretty - right?

Q & A: What is the proper form of response to a formal invitation to a very small wedding

Q. What is the proper form of response to a formal invitation to a very small wedding where the reception is the featured event? The large reception invitation and smaller wedding invitation were received in the same envelope, separated by tissue paper, but only the reception invitation had "The favour of reply is requested" engraved on it. There was no customary reply envelope included.

A. Receiving the wedding and reception invitation in the same envelope is prefectly OK - an RSVP card is most often included but is not a prerequisite for asking for a response. You will seldom find that you are requested to confirm the wedding but in nearly all situations(especially if the family is wise to the cost of a reception) you will have an RSVP or "the favour of a reply is requested". When a reply card is not included with an RSVP you should either call the family or drop a note of your intention.

Q & A: Can the host/hostess of the reception ask the caterer to wrap up all the leftovers?

Q. Can the host/hostess of the reception ask the caterer to wrap up all the leftovers?

A. You better believe you can!!! After all, you paid for it - it's yours and it's a very common (and a proper occurrence). Be sure to let the caterer know ahead of time that you will want to take some leftovers so he/she can have the proper contains ready for you.

Q & A: What is the proper donation to the minister who performs a simple ceremony?

Q. What is the proper donation (tip, gift, or contribution -I'm not sure of the proper term- etc.) to give to the minister who performs a simple ceremony?

A. The proper amount to offer a minister for a wedding ceremony is an ethereal thing - depending on what part of the world you are in - depending on any pre-marriage counseling - does the minister to a rehearsal - does the minister "host" the event making sure everything is in order and running smoothly - or - does the minister show up, say some words, pronounce you man & wife and depart??? In general, the very basics go for about $100+ -- with rehearsal add $50+ -- with counseling add $50 to $100+ -- does help out = no add on - does organize and work to make sure it's all smooth and easy for you = add $50 to $100 A simply affair should be a minimum of $100 -- a more involved and special treatment (with rehearsal but no counseling) should start at $150 and go to not more than $350. Don't like these numbers - an easy solution is ask "what is your ussual fee or gratuity for performing a service like this??? This IS proper and should be done when interviewing and speaking with your minister.

Q & A: Destination wedding in Jamaica

Q. I am having a destination wedding in Jamaica. There will be no traditional wedding party. When and how do we formally announce this? We have the blessing of friends and family. We will be having a party in April before our June date. Who could I contact in Atlanta (GA) that would offer advise and inform me of the protocol for this type of event? I appreciate you sharing your expertise.

A. I'm not sure I have the details right - but let me try anyway. Announcements always go out "after the fact" and usually on the same day of, or day after the wedding. You should have a close friend or a family member mail out the announcements from home. Now, according to your email you state that you will have a "party" in April prior to "our June date" which I interpret as you are planning to celebrate your wedding in April (informal reception type of affair??) prior to you going to Jamaica in June to get married??? If I am correct in what I read, then what you are actually doing has no wedding "etiquette" role - your "get together" prior to your wedding is actually a "bon voyage" and "good luck in the future" party and should be treated as such. Send our the usual party invitations - formal or informal - with an explanation of the event (so everyone is comfortable). If you want this to be more like a reception or a house warming I would suggest you try to arrange it for some period of time following your return form the honeymoon - this has become an everyday occurrence in the wedding industry. Though my daughter's wedding was in Georgia (Statesboro) I'm afraid we have no current contacts in the Atlanta area - but we are checking into it at this time.

Q & A: Custom to have the groom's family pay for half the wedding?

Q. My 44 year old brother is getting married to a 41 year old, never married woman. She is from an Italian-American family. Upon meeting my mom and dad, her parents told them it is their custom that the groom's parents pay for half of the wedding. They were very blunt and quite offensive to my parents. My brother's response was to take out a loan and he would pay the other half of the wedding expenses. The bride's father remarked, "that's a good boy". My mom and dad are considerably older. They are appalled at the behavior and insistence of the bride's parents to pay for half of the wedding. However, it doesn't seem to bother the bride! In fact, it doesn't bother her if my brother has to take out a loan to pay for the other half. My brother has purchased her engagement and wedding rings and even paid for his own ring. He will pay for the honeymoon and some of the other customary items such as her flowers. It seems my brother will have quite a bill after all this. In fact, quite a lot more than the bride's parents. And he would rather elope anyway! My parents said they will pay for the rehearsal dinner, which I think is quite generous of them since my brother has been married twice before and had the big wedding the first time around. I suggested to him that his fiance discuss the wedding budget alone with her parents. Find out what they are willing to spend and keep the wedding within that budget. I am pretty handy at decorating events and would be willing to help her keep costs down. I even thought I might surprise her and make wedding favors for the guests so she wouldn't have that to worry about. As the arrangements proceed, I've noticed the bride is planning the type of wedding and reception that her parents would have if she were marrying in her native state of New York, complete with all the expectations customary to their circle of Italian friends and family. The wedding is in Phoenix, Arizona. The bride, groom, and groom's parents all live in Arizona. The friends that will be attending will be the bride's and groom's friends that also live in locally. The bride's family will fly in for the wedding. So the only Italians attending will be the bride's family. Therefore, most likely the only guests that will stick around to dance and party away will be the bride's family. Just about everyone will be a fairly conservative Christian--except the bride's family. A reception with dancing, a disc jockey and a bar available is completely contrary to everyone's general lifestyle--everyone's except the bride's parents. I'm afraid they will be the only ones who will think the reception is great. Everyone else will be uncomfortable with the loud music, the dancing (especially those elderly Christian friends who are from the old school that thought dancing was sinful), and the sight of a bar serving alcohol. My second concern is regarding the times of the ceremony and reception. The bride has now planned the ceremony for 1:00 p.m. with a reception at another location at 4 p.m. She plans to have the bridal party go to a park to take pictures between the ceremony and the reception. The times of the ceremony and reception are of concern because of the large block of time in between that their guests will have nothing to do and wouldn't be practical to go home and change and then get dressed up again to go to the reception. I think it is impractical and inconsiderate to expect guests to be inconvenienced in this way. Also, if parents are hiring babysitters, that is also extra time they will have to pay for and be away from their children. The other concern regarding the time is that because of my parents' age, they are no longer able to drive at night. They both have serious vision problems and they would have to drive home in the dark after the reception. Not only that but they will become very tired because of the length of time from the ceremony until the reception is over. My brother has many elderly friends from his church and in all likelihood they will have the same or similar problems. Phoenix has horrible street traffic and very few freeways. If it were to rain it could likely take someone an hour or two to get home. (I lived there for 20 years--I know this all too well.) I think it is insensitive and inconsiderate to put my parents in a position that endangers their health and well-being, to say the least. However, the bride's response has been that "whoever cares enough about us will be there!" She also said "they can go to the mall and go shopping (all dressed up in their wedding attire)." Am I missing something here or what? I also mentioned to my future sister-in-law that the time would be pretty hard on our 10 year old son, whom they asked to be the ring bearer. I told her how difficult it is for kids to be patient and that he would be miserable wearing a tuxedo for what would probably extend to about 8 hours--from the time we get him dressed till the time we get home. Her response was how educational a wedding is for children. Educational? Oh, yes, she said. We can explain to our son what all the traditions mean and why certain things are the custom, etc. (as if he would really care!?!) I said that our son and nearly every child in the world would not be able to sit quietly through a wedding, have nothing to do for the next two and a half hours, then expect to be pleasant at a party for another three hours or more. She won't listen and thinks this "problem" will be exclusive to our son only! So----my mom and I were wondering what a professional in the wedding business would think about this and what you might advise.

A. Let me start by saying that we checked with our own New York Italian family - and to try and be totally fair - we checked with Italian friends in Pittsburgh and in Chicago -- here is the result: When the bride's parents told your brother that it is their custom to have the groom's family pay for half the wedding the operative words were likely "THEIR custom" and NOT the custom of the nationality. New York, Pittsburgh and Chicago families (with roots in Sicily, in Rome and in Bologna) ALL agreed that it would be an embarrassment for the bride's family (realize this is a special "Italian" embarrassment) to do anything less than pay for the entire wedding, as is tradition -- with the following exceptions: 1. When the bride's family is not well to do, quite often the groom's mother (not the father and not the groom) may ask the bride's mother if the groom's family can't help out "to make for a more perfect wedding day for their children" -- as you can tell this is a "mother" thing where the mother always wishes to look out for their children and by keeping the fathers out of this little discussion no social faux pas can exist and the "male" thing doesn't get stepped on (are you catching the drift here?) - BUT this is NOT initiated by the brides family and is NOT an expected occurrence. 2. When the bride and groom wish an unusually large and/or expensive wedding it is not uncommon for the groom's father to offer to pick up the cost of the liquor and the champagne at the reception - once again the initiative is from the groom's family and NOT the bride's. 3. When the bride and groom have grown up together, the families are close, all their lives the bride and groom were expected to marry - the brides family is poor and it is in both family interests to see the marriage through - then - with some embarrassment but with mutual admiration and love the bride's and groom's family share the cost. Do you think I've said enough about this? Next - being blunt and somewhat offensive should be left to Da Wedding Guy. Next - the words "that's a good boy" generally translates to "we're glad you are doing what we tell you to do". Next - parents being appalled is what parents do - but - in this instance I appall with them Next - the items you listed as items your brother is paying for are traditionally the items he should be paying for - with the exception of the bridal bouquet - but - if he got a great package deal for all flowers even the bouquet can be paid for by the groom. Now to the heart of the matter. I must assume your brother is of "sound mind" and having been married twice before has at least SOME inkling of what he is getting into. With this in mind if he isn't willing to speak with his bride-to-be about these expenses, if he is willing to take out a loan, do the wedding as SHE wants it and isn't complaining about his added burden - what's the rub? and why are you being the advocate? - remember, if your parents didn't want to pay for the rehearsal dinner they wouldn't - also, remember, this wedding isn't about the friends and it is only partially about the family - in reality it is about two people in love, wanting to share their lives. While I tend to agree with your position and delima, knowing only your view of the situation makes it hard to be judgmental - but - this does sound a little one-sided doesn't it? Next - about the timing - 1 o'clock ceremony should be over at 1:30 and out of the church (guests and all before 2) At the park by 2:15 photos (in the heat???). To the reception site by 3945 to 4:00. So, the timing isn't really THAT bad - but - the concept could stink. It would depend on the weather and it would depend on the guests and why everyone is going to the park. You know, a "reception" is to "receive the guests" it is the time when the families play host to the guests and cater to them - so - once the wedding is over, most of what is being done should be focussed on the guests and the guests' comforts. If your future sister-in-law seems to be totally insensitive to your comments and your thoughts for the comfort of others perhaps it is because she is - or - perhaps she feels you are meddling in her affairs. What I don't understand is if all you have said is accurate why is your brother standing by and doing nothing??? If it will be such an imposition on his personal friends and family I would suspect he would be sensitive to these conditions - can all of this revolve strictly around the bride without equal fault being placed on your brother? From what you have described there seems to be no compromise and no solution - grin and bear it comes to mind. If you are going to be a part of this wedding you should just let it happen and be over with - and - you should say no more, after all this IS his wedding. If you don't want to be a part of it then just don't - your brother should understand. While it sounds like a pretty big mess to me - the fact is, it is his mess and he must have some reason for doing whatever it is that he is doing. Even if this really is the mess you portray, I'd say you've said your piece, you've tried to help and be helpful, now - leave it alone and let it be done with - hopefully for your brother (and obviously for you and your parents) his third wedding will be his last.

Q & A: What is an acceptable donation to pastor who is marrying us?

Q. The pastor that is marrying us indicated there is no charge for him to marry us, but that a donation is acceptable to cover the cost of the custodians cleaning up, etc. What is an acceptable donation? We do not belong to this church, but we are very pleased with the pastor who is marrying us.

A. Tipping the pastor/minister/officiant is traditional - and in good taste - and varies throughout the world. In your neck of the woods, cost of the custodians cleaning up is ok - probably $50 to $100 bucks - but - it is not unusual to give a minister - pastor - et al - a $100 to $200 gratuity - do - if you give for clean up and offer the pastor something for his kindness' you should be respectfully covered at $150 to $200. These moneys should be given to the officiant by the best man with him explaining that some is custodial but the some is for the pastor. Have the best man do this prior to the service (as things can get a little hectic immediately following the service).

Q & A: Who traditionally pays for floral arrangements for the church?

Q. I saw your answer to the question about the responsibilities of the groom and his family. I have two other specific questions: 1. "Corsages for all immediate family members" - the groom's family or both families? 2. Who traditionally pays for floral arrangements for the church?

A. The GROOM is responsible for paying for the Bride's bouquet, the bride's going away corsage, corsages for the mothers and grandmothers on both sides, plus all of the boutonnieres. The bride's PARENTS are responsible for all the decorating costs (which includes the floral for the wedding PLUS bridesmaids and flower-girl bouquets.

Q & A: Wedding will not be held in a church

Q. The wedding and reception will be held in a ballroom and there will be 150 total guests. We are budgeting the whole affair somewhere in the neighborhood of $2,500-$3,500. We both are Christians but are not overconcerned about religious conflicts because the wedding will not be held in a church.

A. Guessing it is probably formal, but at least semi-formal, I would suggest having a buffet (easier to manage and usually less expensive) which can be setup in advance and hidden behind folding screens - have the actual wedding in front of the screens then plan the "after the ceremony wedding photos" in a pre-set location to the rear of the ballroom (in full view of all). Following the ceremony you and yours go to the rear of the ballroom (attention follows you) and while you are having the photos shot the screens are removed and the facility reverts from chapel to reception. Though sitting at tables for the ceremony is not the norm, there is nothing wrong with it. or You may wish to have the ceremony in another part of the facility (or outside if convenient) and then come into the ballroom. or You could arrange the ballroom much like a showcase hall, with different "stations" setup around the room. In one location you can have the "alter" for the wedding - in the next location you can have the photo sessions set up - in the next location you can have the buffet set up - in the next location you can have the DJ or Band or Entertainment and dance floor setup (this is also where you would have your head tables (with the two of you facing the rest of the guests). This is probably the most theatrical, entertaining and convenient way to handle a multi-purpose ballroom event.

Q & A: Is it improper etiquette to exclude the bridesmaids and groomsmen from riding in the limo?

Q. My fiance and I are planning a wedding in August of this year. He wants to have a limo drive us from the church to the reception and he wants only he and I to ride in the limo. Is it improper etiquette to exclude the bridesmaids and groomsmen from riding in the limo?

A. It would be improper etiquette to INCLUDE the wedding party in the limo. It should only be the two of you. Though members of the wedding party often accompany the bride and groom in less formal affairs - if this is formal you go it alone - if this is "less formal" you still should go it alone.

Q & A: What is the proper way to cut a tiered wedding cake?

Q. What is the proper way to cut a tiered wedding cake?

A. We went to one of the very TOP wedding cake bakeries in the U.S. - cakes the White House are common from here. The shop is "Cakes of Elegance" in Dallas, Texas. Here is the "quote" for properly cutting one of their cakes (three tiers or more). This procedure will vary with how your cake is constructed and what type of base and/or bases are used. HOW TO CUT THE CAKE The top tier should be the "anniversary cake" this is removed and kept (in the freezer). Serve from the top tier down and serve only the back of each tier, this preserves the appearance of the cake for the guests. First cut the tier with a vertical cut holding knife straight up and down - make this cut about 2 inches in from the outside of the cake (as though you were cutting a circle within the cake circle (or square within the cake square) then cut 1 inch slices, the depth of the tier you are working on. Insert knife beneath the portion to release it from the tier below and place on the serving plate. Once you have cut and served the entire back side of the cake you may repeat the procedure with another concentric circle cut 2 inches in from the remaining outside (if the cake is big enough) or move down to the next tier and start over again. Have a damp napkin handy to clean your knife blade occasionally - Use a sharp knife (the heavy silver ones are pretty, but do not give you a good clean slice) - it is best is one person cuts the cake and the other handles the plates. So you really need two people to serve each cake. - occasionally place a flower, strawberry or chocolate curl on the plate with the serving as you come to them. Now if all this seems very confusing - send me your fax number and I will fax you the information page with some diagrams.

Q & A: My son wanted to have his priest perform part of the Armenian service at his fiance's church, but the Lutherans do not allow it

Q. My son is getting married in September and there is an issue about the church and the etiquette of whose church the ceremony is in. We are Armenian Orthodox and my son's fiance is Lutheran. My son wanted to have his priest perform part of the Armenian service at his fiance's church, but the Lutherans do not allow it. What now?

A. This is a problem often seen with Jewish/Christian marriages - the answer is - they choose or they have two ceremonies. Either way, mom, remember the operative word here is "THEY" and, though it may be tough, this is something that MUST be worked through by the couple without parental influences and pressures (as we tend to do). Having a strong ethnic heritage myself, I understand the desire to bring the families' way of life into the next generation - but - this is the time they need to give some serious thought to the future - if the ceremony and how it will be handled becomes "an issue" that can't be easily resolved by the couple - then - what about the lifestyles, what about how the kids will be raised - how about a dozen other things that you and I know about because we've been there and done that - but... this is why I have to say (in a very nice and caring way) you have to make sure you "butt out" of this one - it is a very important issue that may help the couple grow a little (if not a lot) and an issue that they shouldn't have to have a family "guilt trip" over. Best of Luck

Wedding Guest Etiquette

A great read for anyone involved in a wedding, this guide provides insight into wedding ceremonies from various religions and cultures. If you've been invited to a wedding ceremony you're not familiar with, this compilation gives a basic outline for understanding the meaning of the rite, so you'll know what to expect and what's expected of you. A note to business travelers: Businesspeople in many cultures will often honor important business colleagues by inviting them to a wedding, especially if the colleague is in town at the time of the event. Don't be caught with your etiquette down: read this.

A wedding is a wonderful celebration of the union of two people and their families. As wedding guests these days, especially in North America, we may be exposed to a wide variety of cultures and religions and witness the various traditions of their ceremonies. Also, with the increasing trend toward mixed marriages, wedding celebrations often incorporate cultural and religious elements from both families. As much as it seems that the typical Western-style wedding is predominant practically everywhere throughout the world, there appears to be a renewed interest in Canada and the United States in honoring our past and heritage by reviving traditions from our own families.

Such being the case, many guests are often unsure about proper etiquette and customs when attending weddings outside of their own experience. So, here are some general guidelines. Keep in mind that in most traditions and cultures, there will be variations or different adaptations depending on local custom or personal taste. I even know of cases where although the bride and groom are from the same culture, the parents on each side will insist on "traditional" rituals that are completely foreign to the other family. I hope the following information will give you a basic understanding and a good starting point. Enjoy the ceremony.

Guide For The Novice Master Of Ceremonies

At a wedding, a planned schedule for toasts and speeches, orchestrated by the master of ceremonies (MC or emcee), lends a certain agreeable formality to the proceedings. Contrary to what you might fear, however, the MC doesn't have to be the entertainment; he or she merely has to direct the entertainment.

Being an MC usually involves two main functions:
the first is to make sure the "formal" part of the event runs smoothly, which includes introducing each speaker; the second, especially if you are also the best man, is to give a speech.

The popular MC lives by the words "short and sweet." As a general rule, brevity and sincerity should guide the nervous or inexperienced. Most MCs take no longer than two to three minutes to introduce each part of the program.

Collect background information
The more you know in advance, the more confident you'll be. Talk to the bride, groom, their best friends, their families: they'll supply the stories you'll relate throughout the reception. Jot down any and all ideas on paper. Also find out all you can about the wedding:

The guests:
How many guests? Are they mainly students? Middle-aged business people? Seniors? Close relatives? Will children be present?

The schedule:
How many toasts will be given and when? In what order and by whom? What relationship do these people have to the bridal couple? When and for how long will you be expected to speak?

The set-up:
Will you be speaking from a platform or the head table? Will you have a podium? A microphone? Where will the guests be seated?

Your speech
Begin by introducing yourself, then tell the audience the reason they are all gathered together - to celebrate a wedding, of course! - then explain that it's your job to guide them through the program. Now give the guests the information they need to feel comfortable (e.g., the bar will be open from 5:00 to 6:00, closed during the meal and presentations, then open again until midnight). If you have a lot of information to give them, intersperse illustrations and anecdotes with the dry facts.

There are three rules to remember when telling stories and jokes: timing, taste, and tact. Some embellishment is good, but a story that runs on for more than three minutes is too long. Jokes and stories must be in good taste; what the soccer team having a brew in a bar may consider acceptable might not go down so well here. (This is why it's important to know your audience.) Does your joke or story go beyond gently poking fun and end up hurting someone? An MC must be tactful.

Come the end of the proceedings, you will have the last word. This is no time to get carried away; a short story, joke, or prediction of future marital happiness followed by a thank-you works just fine.

Once you've decided what you're going to say, reduce the speech to point-form notes on cue cards. These cards will remind you of what comes when; you won't be reading aloud from your notes.

Delivery
Practice your stories until you feel comfortable and confident. Aim for a conversational tone. Listen for "ums" and "aahs," replacing them with pauses which can actually add dramatic impact or signal a change to a new point. A pause can also allow you to take a deep breath and gather your thoughts.

Before you can begin to speak, you must politely interrupt the guests' conversations and prepare them to listen. Pausing when you first reach the podium is a good way to fix their attention on you. If that doesn't work, try clearing your throat or tapping your finger on the microphone.

Be personal. Your speech should sound like a relaxed conversation between friends (at a dinner party, not in the locker room). Pitch, rate, and volume are the tools that will make it come alive. Your voice should rise with questions, or bubble with laughter when you tell a funny story. Speed up your delivery to show excitement; slow down to make a more serious point. Speak quietly sometimes to make the audience listen more intently. Whatever you do, look as though you're enjoying yourself!

Q & A: Who Should Walk The Bride Down The Aisle?

Q. Having my father walk me down the aisle and "give me away" is not an option for me. What can I do instead?

A. It is your decision whether you want to be escorted down the aisle or not and, if you do, by whom. There are several options:

Someone other than your father can escort you, someone you are close to who has been influential through your life, such as your mother, your grandfather, an uncle, a brother, etc. Don't let sexism or appearances get in the way of acknowledging and depending upon the right person. You can walk alone. This option is a reflection of the times: brides these days are more mature, more independent, with lives of their own; the idea of being "given away" seems antiquated and perhaps even sexist. Many brides would prefer not to be caught up in a very old tradition that symbolically perpetuates the myth that the daughter is the property of the father, to be given away by him at her wedding. By walking up alone, you are symbolizing your personal journey into matrimony.

You can walk alone halfway and meet your groom, going the rest of the way with him. In this way you symbolize quite literally that you are going forward to make your vows together, unified and giving strength to each other.

Nowadays, many couples are adopting the Jewish tradition of having both parents walk the bride, and in some cases the groom as well, down the aisle, reflecting their pride in and reliance on family unity.

Q. I would like my stepfather and father to walk me down the aisle, but the church aisle may be too narrow. Will it look awkward if my father walks me halfway down the aisle then sits down, then my stepfather walks me to the altar and gives me away?

A. First, do both of your fathers know that you intend to have both of them walk you down the aisle, and are they okay with this idea? I think it would be extremely awkward to have the two fathers share this role, regardless of how wide the aisle. Do consider choosing one or the other. You can always honor the other fellow during the service by having him do a reading or say a prayer honoring family and love.

Q. My stepfather and mother will be paying for my wedding. Does my stepfather "have" to walk me down the aisle, since he is footing the bill? (I would prefer my father to do it.)

A. Since your stepfather is paying, he must feel close to you, so do be sensitive to his feelings when making your decision. Also consider your mother's feelings; she may be estranged from your real father and feel very uncomfortable about having him take the spotlight while your stepfather is footing the bill. If you want your natural father to walk you down the aisle, make sure to have a long heart-to-heart with your stepfather and your mother, explaining the reasons for your choice.

Wedding Etiquette: Ceremony and Reception

How does a bride-to-be decide who should walk her down the aisle if she is close to both her father and her stepfather?

It's her choice. It's fine to select either one, though generally better to ask the one to whom she's closest. If she's equally close to both, she might find it most diplomatic to fall back on tradition and ask her biological father to escort her.

If a bride prefers to omit the traditional phrase "Who gives this woman. . . ?" from the wedding ceremony, are there any acceptable alternatives she can request?

Yes. The officiating clergyman may say, "Who will support and bless this marriage?" or "Who represents the families in blessing this marriage?"

What are the guidelines these days for the bride who wants to wear white even if she has been married before or has a child?

Since white is considered to be a sign of joy, it is perfectly appropriate for second-time brides and those with children to wear it. But the tradition still stands that these brides not wear veils (unless required by religious custom), gowns with trains, or carry orange blossoms.

Is it written that the bride's parents have to foot the entire bill? Isn't that an unfair burden for one set of parents?


The traditional division of wedding expenses has undergone a big change in recent years, and there are now several acceptable versions. It's now considered perfectly all right -- and often makes much sense -- for the bride, the groom, and/or the groom's parents to offer to share the costs of a wedding with the bride's parents. One option gaining some popularity: the bride and groom paying all expenses themselves. No matter how, or if, the costs are divided, keep in mind that the simplest wedding is often the most beautiful.

How would one arrange church seating for a wedding where the groom's parents are divorced -- his mother is now remarried and the father is currently engaged?


The groom's mother and her new husband should sit in the front pew on the right side of the aisle. Other members of the immediate family should sit in the pew immediately behind. The groom's father and his fiancé should sit in the next pew, along with their family members.

My stepdaughter, who's been estranged from her father for the past five years (he was divorced from her mother years ago), is now asking him to pay her wedding expenses and offer his country club facilities for the reception. Yet she doesn't want him to walk her down the aisle or have any say about the guest list. Is this fair?


No. Your stepdaughter can't have it both ways. If her father is willing to pay expenses, he becomes the wedding host and has a say about the guest list. However, if his daughter feels more comfortable walking down the aisle alone or with her mother, that's her choice.

My fiancé expects to be involved in all aspects of our wedding, but my mom doesn't think it's proper. What do you say?


Tell your mother your fiancé is right in line with the growing trend of today's grooms being actively involved in their weddings. Many men are having their say in everything from choosing items for the gift registry to selecting music or readings for the ceremony; some even attend wedding fashion shows and are honored at "couples showers."

There are several reasons why: Grooms these days are apt to be older and better established and so may be paying some or most of the expenses. Divorce can be a factor too: A man marrying for a second or third time tends to know what he wants; also, if his children are participating in the ceremony (often the case), then he's more interested in what's going on.
What I'm hearing from women is that they love having their fiancés involved. Certainly, there are more than enough duties to share — including writing all those thank-you notes!

I've been invited to my friends' renewal of wedding vows, which will be followed by a small gathering at a restaurant. Do I bring a gift? If so, do you have any suggestions about what's appropriate?

A reaffirmation of vows almost always coincides with the couple's anniversary, so, yes, take a gift to your friends' gathering (unless the invitation specifically states "no gifts"). If they're celebrating a milestone anniversary, you might select an item made of the material associated with that year (e.g., silver or pewter for a twenty-fifth). Other suggestions: an item for their home or hobby, such as a picture frame, a special book, a bottle of champagne, or bulbs or tools for their garden.

Are the bride's parents expected to pay most of the wedding costs if the engaged couple have already lived together for two years?

When a couple have lived together for any length of time (certainly for as long as two years), they're usually expected to pay some or all of their own wedding expenses. Of course, the bride's (or groom's) parents may pay or help pay if they wish.